Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
