He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize