Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
