I wish I could punch you in the face.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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