I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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