This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
