Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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