your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
