She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bring me that man meat
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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