Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
