I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
