You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he fucked my hip out of place.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
