I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
