So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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