Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
