Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
