She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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