apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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