I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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