You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
