screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
