"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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