i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
