First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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