You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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