New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
