I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
