The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
