I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
