She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
