I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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