He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
