I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
