I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
