He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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