Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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