if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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