i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
