I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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