This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i dont even know how to be here
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
