The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
