Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My ass is underappreciated
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
