i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
