had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
