Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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