I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
