Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize