Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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