Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
