Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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