I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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