So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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