Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Someone came in the potted fern
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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