Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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