I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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