im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
