I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
