next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
