no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
