I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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