I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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