u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize