hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
