I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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