shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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