He uses pillows to masturbate.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
