She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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