You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
